Ananas and the Man
by Sage Darkwoods
Summary: Angel is trapped at the bottom of the ocean, betrayed by his son. Amidst his angst, he sees a strange scene playing out along the ocean floor. Heavy on the angst, then on the ridiculous. Crossover with Spongebob Squarepants and others. Ye be warned.
1. Default Chapter

**Ananas and the Man**

**Disclaimer**: All characters belong to their respective owners, namely Mutant Enemy and Nickelodeon.

**Author's Note**: I'm actually a bit frightened by this, since it is my brain that thought up this twisted little idea. Thoughts of Angel being a Vamp-in-the-Box had been playing on my mind a bit, and then I let it wander off the leash. FAR off the leash. It screamed at me to be written, and would not let me go to bed until I did. It's a one-shot. I promise.

* * *

Angel stared at the cage surrounding him. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was enough to be a cell out of which he could not free himself. His own son had imprisoned him. That should have been enough. Instead, he went one step further and tossed the steel box into the Pacific Ocean. 

He had raged at his bonds, at the hinges in the steel box. The small opening in the front was enough to see through, but not enough to get at anything outside it, even if his hands were free. The chains that held him were forged of steel, but they might as well have been the chains that held Prometheus. His imprisonment seemed unending. The torture of being trapped underwater watching nothing else but the fish was akin to the vultures that pecked at Prometheus's liver by day, only to have it grow back at night. What crime against the gods had he committed, to be condemned by his own son?

Angel knew the answer to that question. He had slept with Darla in a fit of rage mixed with apathy. Wait, he hit her and threw her onto the bed, then he slept with her. She always did like it rough. The punishment for that sin was the unnatural birth that resulted. Connor should not have been alive, let alone conceived, for the sheer impossibility of the biology. They were both vampires. Connor was a human baby that somehow grew inside a dead thing. Tears would have teemed down Angel's cheeks were they not submerged in saltwater already.

He tried to raise Connor well. He was denied the chance by Wesley, who believed the prophecy and took away his only son, his only hope of having a family, of having hope for the future. Connor was alive, human, and of his blood. He had thought that opportunity had passed him by almost 250 years ago. When he was human, the thought of settling down and having a family was almost an abhorrent thought. Why be saddled with a wife and children when there was a whole world to see? There was more fun to be had in the local tavern, boozing and whoring, than would be had with a cold, shrewish wife and snot-nosed brats. The last thing he wanted to do was become his father: bitter and jealous of other men, of their success and freedom. He was going to make something of his life, something substantial.

Darla changed that dream into an unending nightmare land, where he was the monster that roamed it.

His crimes against nature he once considered art. His torture of his victims' bodies and minds were pleasurable. He loved to hear them scream. One scream from a gypsy girl ended the joyride, as her family cursed him with a soul. He had thought that punishment was enough. He had that punishment for a hundred years. After a hundred years, the spell on the fairy tale character is supposed to be broken by a kiss. Again, it was Darla that turned his world upside down, and continued the nightmare.

The weight of his reality hit him as he descended in the ocean. It seemed like he was falling for days, though it may only have been a few hours. Time, trapped in an inescapable box in the ocean, is irrelevant. He did not need to breathe; his lungs were redundant. However, the pressure was starting to press on him. So was the hunger. The curious fish that swam into his box to nibble at him like bait could only sustain him for so long. The blood in a fish was akin to one cherry for a human: tasty, but hardly filling. They were also fun to count, as well as guessing which colour fish would come in next, but that would only be amusing for so long.

It had been almost a month from his count. He tried to keep track of the days, but without a working watch or light it was difficult. The watch had ceased to function at the first splash of water. He was never buying a watch off a man's coat again. That was provided he would escape his watery hell. Hell was a lot wetter than he remembered.

The hunger was gnawing at his insides and screaming in his veins. A starving vampire was not a pretty sight to behold. The skin grew taut across the bones and paler than it had been before. The veins that were once infused with blood were crying in vain to be fed. Pain coursed through his system. It was as close as Angel could get to Hell without actually going there again.

He felt his mind wandering and wondered if what he was experiencing was real or not. Were the fish he was using as sustenance really there, or was he back at home, chewing on his pillow in a fevered, nightmare ridden sleep? Would Cordelia be waiting for him when he surfaced? Would he surface? The thoughts running through his head were the only thing reminding him that he still existed. He hated them.

His box was settled on a sandbank with not much surrounding him. As he glanced listlessly across the ocean floor, he noticed something a bit further out. A pink starfish ran across the floor. That couldn't be right; starfish don't run, they more or less creep along. Angel didn't know much about marine biology, but he knew that starfish certainly did not wear Hawaiian-print shorts. A bright yellow square ran towards the starfish with a butterfly net. No, not towards the starfish, but behind it; it was trying to catch a jellyfish. Angel blinked again, and more of the seascape came into focus. Three small outcroppings appeared in the sand behind the two figures. One was a round rock. The starfish ran away from the yellow square and flipped the rock up to run underneath it. Beside it was a tall grey monument that looked like an Easter Island carving, with a large nose and ears. The yellow square flailed its arms and legs and ran around in a circle several times, before opening the door to the third building. It looked like… a pineapple? Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!

Angel closed his eyes, and hoped a very large fish would come along and take his box away from his madness. He thought Hell was bad. This was far, far worse.

_fin_


	2. Chapter 2: Under the Sea

**Ananas and the Man**

**Disclaimer**: All characters belong to their respective owners. Angel belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. SpongeBob SquarePants and related characters belong to Nickelodeon. The Little Mermaid belongs to Disney. If Disney knew what I was planning for Ariel, they'd be mad.

**Author's Note**: So I lied. It isn't a one-shot. After some discussion and prodding from some of my friends, this resulted. Again, I blame the copious amounts of tea and the free refills.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Under the Sea**

Angel watched the little yellow sea sponge and his friend the starfish torment their neighbour, a cranky squid, day in and day out. At least, he assumed days had passed. Seeing as how he was at the bottom of the ocean, with a broken Rolex and starving to death, time was relative. The squid (so inventively named Squidword) was cranky most of the time. Angel could understand that, what with the inane games the sponge and the starfish played. The odd thing was that these undersea creatures acted as though they were human, or at least like land-living creatures. They wore clothes. They lived in houses. They had jobs, and went to work daily. They ate and played, and drove these bizarre boatmobile creations. The sponge even had a pet – a snail that meowed.

The snail had slimed over to Angel's prison-of-a-box, and had climbed up and around to the small rectangular opening. It let out a plaintive meow and stared at him with those feelers for eyes. Angel couldn't tell what was worse – the fact that the snail meowed at him, or the fact that it was sentient.

Then the snail pulled back its head and let out a yowl – long and loud. In the distance, a pinkish cloud started forming, with something at its centre. It came closer, and Angel realized it was a herd of jellyfish, keeping a mackerel wearing a loud yellow polo shirt inside the stinging cloud. The sizeable mackerel was shouting something at the jellyfish, but couldn't get out much of a sentence, as it was like yelling at a swarm of cattle prods. The jellyfish kept moving, and reaching out tentacles here and there to keep the captive moving as well.

The snail slimed up to the very top of the box, and meowed directions to the jellyfish. They brought the mackerel right to the rectangular opening, and prodded the mackerel until its head was within reaching distance. Angel smiled, and slipped into his gameface.

It wasn't human, but it was sentient. It was more or less like hunting for wild game, with the help of a snail that acted as commander of a jellyfish army, which hunted for him and brought him the live spoils. It was reminiscent of his times as the head of the vampire family, where his two childer would bring him live game that they had brought home from the tavern. Of course, the fish wasn't nearly as tasty as the prostitute, nor as fun. He stopped thinking along those lines because, quite frankly, it was disgusting and he was putting himself off his food.

The snail brought him a creature every day, and the jellyfish took away the drained husk. He didn't really want to know how they disposed of the body. Perhaps jellyfish were carnivorous. He didn't see much of a stomach in them, but it was possible. Hell, seeing a very dumb starfish chasing a jellyfish with a butterfly net was commonplace now, so anything was possible here. He was no longer starving, and that's all he cared about.

He could get used to this.

* * *

Angel awoke suddenly to a ruckus. It wasn't the usual gibberish of the sponge and the starfish, nor was it the clarinet "music" that the squid performed. A few shouts and the giggle of a definitely female voice was what woke him from his slumber.

"Flounder! What were you thinking?" the female voice chided.

A slightly high, male voice responded, huffing and puffing as it did. "Dunno, Ariel… but I think… we're lost."

Angel leaned closer to the opening. He saw a pudgy yellow fish with blue fins and stripes struggling to catch up to… a mermaid. An honest-to-god mermaid. She had long flowing red hair, with bangs that seemed to defy the laws of physics. She was nearly naked, save for the lavender seashell bra and, of course, the turquoise-green tail. She had very large… eyes.

She scanned the ocean floor. "I think you're right," she said, chewing on her bottom lip. "I don't think we've ever been out this far."

"Well, yeah," the fish said, rolling its googly eyes. "I mean, that shark was like, whoa!" He spun around in a circle. "And then you had to go get that bracelet thing you dropped, and went down into the cavern, and there was, like, this seaweed, but it wasn't seaweed because it was _alive,_ and then it tried to grab my tail, and I was like, nuh-uh! And I smacked it with my fin, and it let go!" The fish panted for breath again. "And then you decided to swim out _just_ that bit further, and then the current caught us and now we're here." The fish looked around again. "Where _is_ here?"

The mermaid flicked her tail and glided over to a sign stuck in the sand. "Huh. This says 'Bikini Bottom.' I don't remember this being on any of the maps I've seen at the palace."

This fish's face sank, and its fins drooped. "Oh, Ariel!" he whined. "How are we gonna get home?"

She swam up to the fish and cuddled it in her arms. "Don't worry, Flounder, we'll get out of here. Hey, maybe one of the locals will be able to help us!"

"Yeah, and maybe I'll grow another set of gills," the fish replied glumly. "You remember what happened the last time we got lost? After you just _had_ to get that snorkiefeld?"

She winced. "Daddy nearly caused a tsunami, he was so mad." She frowned briefly, only to give way to a bright smile. "Come on, let's go exploring! There's gotta be some really neat stuff here!" She let the fish go, and started to swim back to the sign. He heaved a great sign, and followed her.

The fish glanced around. "I don't know about this, Ariel. I got a funny feeling we're being watched."

"Oh, would you relax?" the mermaid said dismissively. "You do this every time we go somewhere new. It's not so scary."

"But I really think – ow!" The fish had swam right into the side of Angel's box. He shook to rid himself of the daze, and peeked around the side. When he saw a pair of eyes staring back at him, his eyes grew wide as saucers, and he gulped audibly. "Uh, Ariel?"

"What is it, Flounder?" She was busy examining a seashell she found near the sign.

"I, uh, think you'd better come here."

"Flounder, that's your scared voice. What are you – oh." She turned to see what her fish friend had found, and gasped. She swam over quickly, and peered through the opening. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked him.

Angel wasn't sure what to do. Nobody, besides the commander snail, has acknowledged his presence before. He hadn't even bothered trying to talk, since there was no one to talk to. He'd give it a shot; he didn't need air in his lungs anyway.

"I'm, ah, trapped," he managed. He realized that his jaw was sore, and that he'd probably been clenching his teeth for a month.

"What horrible person did this to you?" Her big blue eyes looked very concerned, and a pout appeared on her lips. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was.

"My son," he said, and spit out the word. The mermaid looked shocked, and gasped.

"That's horrible!" the chubby fish chimed in. "What kind of a merman would do that to his father?"

"Um, well, I'm not exactly – how do I put this…"

"It's okay, we'll get you out." She started to tug at the side of the box, chains and all. "We'll… ugh… manage…"

"Ariel, that's not going to work," Angel tried.

"Of course it will!" she said indignantly while tugging at the lid. "Wait, how do you know my name?"

"Your friend said it about twenty times." He smiled at the resulting pout.

"Well, it's still not fair that you're stuck in there. Aren't your fins cramped?" she inquired.

"I don't have fins."

A look of pity crossed her face. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were crippled. That was really rude of me."

How to explain what he was to a naïve young mermaid? Angel wasn't sure what was real anymore. If Ariel was a hallucination, then she was a cute one. "I'm not a merman," he began. "I'm, uh, human. Sort of."

Ariel's jaw dropped, and she grinned broadly. "Oh my gosh! That's so cool! A real live human! I gotta get you out of here! You've gotta have so many stories!"

She's impressionable, too. Might as well go with it. "Oh yeah, I've got tons of stories. I've lived a long time."

Flounder looked suspicious. "If you're human, how come you can breathe underwater?"

The fish was smarter than her. Great. "Well, I don't need to breathe underwater. I've got… special powers."

"Like magic?" Ariel asked, her eyes shining.

"Yeah, sure. Of course. Like magic. It was a gift from an old friend." Darla was old, but certainly not a friend anymore. The girl didn't need to know that, however. "So, do you have an idea how to get me out of here?"

Ariel thought hard, pursing her lips together. "I think so. Flounder, help me out." She swam away to a nearby reef, with the chubby fish in tow. Thanks to his vampiric hearing, Angel was able to catch snippets of their conversation. "Oh, don't be such a guppy. He seems really nice! He's just had a hard time, and a really mean son. Plus, he's cute."

"But Ariel, he's human! And, don't you think he's a little old for you?"

"Give it up! I'm grown up! I'm sixteen! I'm old enough to get married, you know. So, maybe…"

"Ariel, your dad will have catfish if he finds out."

"Then don't tell him!" She picked up a sizeable rock. "This should do it. Now, don't tell him anything we talked about, okay?" They swam back over, Ariel hefting the rock. "Okay, I'm gonna take this rock and try to smash the lock thing on the side. So, hang on to something!"

Angel wondered what he could hold onto inside a smooth-sided box. He felt the jolt of her slamming the rock on the lock, and heard the clank of the metal. She grumbled, and tried again, harder.

"Darn! I'll have to get some speed." She swam a distance away, and then went full-speed towards the box. Angel braced himself for the impact. She slammed into the side of the box, metal clanking against stone, and sent the box toppling on its side. If Angel needed to breathe, he would've had the wind knocked out of him. Then he realized he was staring at a vast expanse of sand. The sand was replaced by red hair and a beautiful smiling face. "You're free!" she exclaimed. "Come on! We've got lots to explore."

Ariel helped him out of the box. His limbs felt atrophied from the lack of movement for a month, and he stumbled on the sand. She just stared openly. "I've never seen a human before," she said, her voice filled with adoration.

"You likely won't see someone like me again," he replied, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. He didn't like lying to her, but she was so sweet, and very kind, and more than a little stubborn. She reminded him of Buffy, when he first met her. His legs gave out on him, and he tumbled to the sand. Ariel rushed to his side and put an arm around his waist, trying to help him up. "I'm probably too heavy for you," he supposed.

"Maybe you're right," she said. She thought briefly, biting her lower lip as she did so. Angel really had to watch around her; he was in danger of losing his heart to a fish. "I've got it!" She whistled sharply, three times, and a shape loomed in the distance. "Come on! I've got you a ride!"

The shape turned out to be a dolphin, which nuzzled Ariel when it arrived. She giggled, and patted it on the head. She whispered something to it, and it nodded. "This is Kaleia, a dear friend of mine. She's going to help us." The dolphin nodded again, and swam sharply toward Angel. He yelped a bit as the dolphin knocked his feet out from under him, and tossed him onto its back. "Just hang onto her dorsal fin, and we'll go exploring. This is going to be so much fun!" Ariel giggled.

Flounder gave him another mistrusting look. "I have a bad feeling about this." Ariel and the dolphin rolled their eyes at him, and turned back toward the edge of Bikini Bottom. They set off, away from the now empty box. Angel was free, but was caught in another situation he didn't know how to get out of. His legs were atrophied, and he was riding a dolphin with a mermaid and a talking fish. Albeit, the mermaid was hot, but also sixteen. And a mermaid. She brought new meaning to the term "jail bait." He was starting to think he was safer in the box, with the snail and the jellyfish.


End file.
